&welcome to Ain's recorded life;
info metallic-frost.net allies records
{ take a step backwardforward }


Calm before the storm? { Monday, November 22 2004  @09:15pm }

{ mood    anxious }

I lost my entry. ARGH. Fucking livejournal.

Anyway, this is my last update before the presentation, which is now taking place during 11am-12pm tomorrow instead of 3-4pm. Nice! Even less time! So much for my "sleeping in" idea.. harumph!

I wanted to tell you guys all about my horrific ordeals with the malfunctioning of the equipment, the loss of certain nessecary materials, the wonderful folks who thought it'd be funny to piss me off and were met with a flurry of profanity (and boy, did I get myself into trouble with the higher ups!) but I just don't have any time right now. Maybe another day!

Going to be carrying around 10-15 pounds of crap with me. All the consoles and catridges and stuff. Urgh! I'm so weak. I figure I'll bum around the coffee place from 7am until, like, 9am.. then head over, after filling up on vanilla lattes and stuff, yeah, nice and alert. I bet I choke; forget everything I was doing, pass out, etc.. I bet!

Thanks to everyone who told me online that they hoped I did well! Thanks to everyone who called me up (sometimes at, like, 2 am) to wish me luck and tell me they believed in me! Thanks to everyone I see daily face-to-face that hugged me or patted my shoulder and said things like, "You can do it, have faith." Aw, how sweet, though we all know faith gets you nowhere.. still, thanks.

Thank you thank you thank you!

Here's hoping it goes well..
Cross your fingers!

I have to get a few last minute things set up. Wrapping up the consoles and catridges, somehow fitting them into a 2x3 bag (with moons and stars on it, oh yeah!) Getting my speech cards together to practice (since I never got to do that, it'll be awkward reading them the first time), organizing work journals (just for fun? right) and doing last minute touches and such.

.. later!

{ touch the sky }


Hey!~ { Friday, November 19 2004  @04:13pm }

{ mood    enthralled }

So I got back feeling exhausted and miserable today. I toss my bag on the counter and sigh. I really felt like shit, you know? As I'm walking away from the counter, I realize at about 20 feet away that there was a big paper tube on it. I turn and walk back, pick it up, and look it over. It says "Astrobase Go!" on it. I flip! With this huge stupid grin on my face, I eagerly open one end, but stop to remember the time I got my Pink Floyd poster from England in one of these tubes, and in my excited haste, pulled it out from one end only to have part of it tear. So, with this one, I open either end and gingerly slide it out.

I unroll it, still smiling like an idiot (luckily there's no one around yet) and, to my delight, it's a lovely Venture Bros. poster! The same one I saw as a very tiny ad in Entertainment Weekly and stuck on my wall (because I'm so lame and I wanted a VB poster so badly), only huge and in full, beautiful colour. Much, much better! Gorgeous! I gleefully admire it for a little bit before my eyes wander southward, and at either corner of the bottom I see something. Upon further inspection -- signatures! Jackson Publick and Doc Hammer SIGNED it! Still lucky I was home alone, because my joyous cry of "AAH!" followed by a rather loud "oohhhhaawwsomeee" could have been embarrassing, had anyone heard. I do a little dance (yeah, you really had to be there) and call Mikie, who I was supposed to hang out with today, that I might be a little late -- the first thing on my mind was to get a frame, because, yes, it's THAT awesome. It deserves to be behind glass and hanging in my room. Yes!

I trot into my room and go to the EW ad version (tiny and sort of torn) and take it down. I then realize that my walls are fairly crowded; between the various posters of stuff like South Park and Jimi Hendrix (and my giant glow-in-the-dark shroom poster) and all the photos and drawings and whatever else was stuck around, I realize that I need to do some cleaning and make room on my cluttered walls. This is better, way better than that Jim Morrison poster I got a few years ago or the photos of me with my exboyfriend and his brother (which isn't cool to begin with, but work with me here.) Before you think I'm overreacting or anything, understand that this is Venture Bros. we're discussing. SIGNED. Fucking signed. Fucking awesome.. as awesome as my signed Mr. T shirt (signed by Mr. T, of course.) So, yeah, fucking terrific!

Mikie calls me back, asks me if I want to go see a movie with Kim and Nicole. Okay! I do have to do my presentation, still.. it's almost Tuesday, folks.
The poster really made my week. I was feeling like such shit up until now. I'm glowing! It's great. I have to frame it tomorrow, since I'm frameless. I put it back in the tube until then -- I have to drive out to the commons anyway to pick something up for my presentation, so I figure I'll do it then.

Anyway, off to do various and sundry things..
Mr. Publick and Mr. Hammer are awesome. Remember this!

{ 2 stars  touch the sky }


A week! A week! { Tuesday, November 16 2004  @04:18pm }

{ mood    amused }

Livejournal erased my update. Argh!

Anyway, one week from now, I'll know my future. It's weird, right? From 3:00pm to 4:00pm next Tuesday, I'll be presenting. And at 4:00pm, I'll be finished and know what they think! It's a 25 minute oral, 15 minute visual, and 15 minute product demonstration to three people I've never seen before in my life on the dynamics of the subject and why they should change their views on it.

Here's hoping it goes okay.
I had a dream the other night that I got up to do the oral and choked, then forgot everything I was going to say. My visual and product then both exploded and melted, respectively. The committee (complete with powdery white wigs and black robes a la judge) stamped a huge red "NO!" on me. Wonderful, like I'm not nervous enough as it is! Now I have my subconcious making fun of me.

Anyway, I'm taking a break at the moment. Drinking green tea and watching Trial of the Monarch. I'm feeling relaxed. I hope I feel this way next week just before .. "THE JUDGING". Maybe I can change their minds, maybe I can't.. but we all want me to, right? Right!

I'll update again next week right before. Lame like that.
Haha, "How does it feel to be a liar with pants constantly on fire?"

Back to work!
.. right after this episode. :x)

{ touch the sky }


Subjectless. { Friday, November 12 2004  @04:38pm }

{ mood    apathetic }

Hello a bit early; felt like taking a much needed break from the presentation work (which isn't going so well, so I shouldn't be taking any time off..) But I am, simply because my progress is going the lines of a square peg being forced into a circular hole, you know? It's not going to work, no matter how hard I push!

"Sophie" came on to me today. How lovely! She brushed past me just barely, but I felt her hand on my side as she did, and she smiled in that "isn't this cute?" way. I wasn't buying it, so I shrugged her off and continued on toward the counter. Was feeling bored, so I popped "The Ring" into the VCR and watched a little TV. She was watching me.

I borrowed a friend's CD the other day and gave her mine. Not sure that she liked any of it, but it was interesting sharing our musical tastes. I think more of us should do that; too often are folks "hoarding" their types (and it sounds silly, but it's true), perhaps a mindset like, "I want to be original!" Well, I'm going to shuffle my Winamp playlist and pick the first ten songs (on random, so no favourtism here, and only from the ones with lyrics because I have so many without) and pick my personal favourite part of that song. Maybe you'll like it; maybe you'll buy the CD download them based on that one section I choose? Maybe you'll get into a type of music you've never heard of before. I don't know, maybe it's a little corny, but it's fun when I'm attempting to avoid the work I have to get done.

So, without further ado!~ Shuffle!

- - - - - - - - -

1. Joe Strummer & The Mescaleros - Minstrel Boy
The minstrel fell, but the foeman's chains
Could not bring this proud soul under
The harp he loved never spoke again,
For he tore its chords asunder

And said, "No chains shall sully thee,
Thou soul of love and bravery!
Thy songs were made for the pure and free
They shall never sound in slavery!"

2. Blind Guardian - Battlefield
Let's pray
That heaven is on our side
Through violence and horror
Shall honour arise
So let's pray
And blessed shall be our leader
We follow the noble and bright

Don't you hear me crying (crying)
Come take me away
I hallow thy name
There on the battlefield he stands
Down on the battlefield he's lost
And on the battlefield it ends

3. Sly and the Family Stone - Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin)
Dance to the music
All night long
Everyday people
Sing a simple song

Mama's so happy
Mama start to cry
Papa still singin'
You can make it if you try

4. Frances Ruffelle - On My Own
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

5. Michael Jackson - You Are Not Alone
Another day has gone
I'm still all alone
How could this be
You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold

6. Queen - I Want To Break Free
I want to break free
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
You're so self satisfied, I don't need you
I've got to break free
God knows, God knows I want to break free

7. KRS-One - Free Mumia
Who enslaved ya (it's the devil)
But the God of virtuosity
And of the world created
Could it be mental sodomy
Got my mind twisted like the blades of fonta leaf
I sit in disbelief as he crawls underneath
The rock cock back the glock
Cause I don't trust
The devil I rebel until Babylon is dust

8. Derasse, Brescia, Chiasson, Diggs, etc - La Vie Boheme!
To days of inspiration
Playing hookey
Making something out of nothing
The need to express
To communicate
To going against the grain
Going insane
Going mad

9. Dido - Life For Rent
I've always thought
That I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
And live more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cause there's really nothing left here to stop me

10. Team America: World Police - The End of an Act
I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school
He was terrible in that film
I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part
He's way better than Ben Affleck
And now all I can think about is your smile
And that shitty movie, too
Pearl Harbor sucked
And I miss you</i>

I realize now that my shuffle didn't choose anything by Hendrix or Floyd (and that's odd, considering that I've got something like 30 Hendrix and Floyd songs here) .. it has strange tastes, apparently. What an odd lineup! I also skipped any songs without lyrics, because -- while wonderful, of course -- it's not going to help to just post the name or anything.. (though I think you should give Klaus Badelt a chance if you're into that sort of thing, cough, plug plug.. he doesn't get the credit he deserves.)

Anyway, back to the presentation..
I'll probably post again in a few days. Anything to avoid the damn thing!

{ 4 stars  touch the sky }


You're my hero!~ { Saturday, November 06 2004  @06:22pm }

{ mood    aggravated }

Well, my last entry before I go away on my "internet hiatus" of sorts, or whatever.. I really need to work on that presentation, and all.

I just wanted to make it clear to you, the reader: when someone (anyone) tells you "you can do anything you want if you try", or "a dream is a wish your heart makes", or "put your mind to it" or any of that shit.. don't buy it. That's so not true at all. You can't accomplish anything with hope or desire or any of that; you either can do it or you can't, and anyone telling you otherwise is lying. Lies!~

Don't get me wrong, I'm not always so pessimistic, and no, I'm not saying this is true for everyone.. maybe I'm just bitter from past experiences or whatever, but I've decided at this point that "don't give up hope" is nothing more to me than a string of four meaningless words when put together. Every "dream" I've chased has led me into the dark, and now I don't know how to get out. You know "The Little Engine That Could"? Ha, I'm "The Little Engine That Wanted To With All Her Heart But Just Couldn't". Seriously. (Man, I am really corny, aren't I?) I've been straining myself and pushing and climbing only to find myself at the bottom again. Holding the third place flag back at the starting line. Nothing I do really matters, you see, because it's always landing me back at square one, battered and bruised, nothing accomplished.

Forgive me for being so dramatic, but I'm in that sort of mood. The sort of mood that has me realizing that no one's opinion of me matters but my own, as after-school-special as it sounds. It's true -- and I can't remember where I read this, so don't go thinking I made it up, but -- you should always say what you think and feel, because the people who matter don't mind, and the people who mind don't matter. That's genius, and that's how I've been living my life up until this point. I'm going to "be myself" (whatever that may mean) and no one is going to get me to change (whatever that may mean, also.)

It's not like I'm wanting to stand in the rain with my hair matted to my forehead like in those ridiculous movies you kids watch, screaming: "I'm me! I'm me!" I'm not trying to better myself through typing it out on some internet journal, and expecting to go to sleep with a haughty grin on my face like, "I'm so wonderful!" I've never thought highly of myself, and I've got no reason to: but I don't hate myself enough to want to change to what anyone else wants, and I've been getting a lot of pressure about that lately.

My complete lack of self-esteem doesn't stem from my past experiences, either -- it's always been here. (Or not here? Whichever?) I just never really thought much of Lorraine. She's not mean spirited, she's just not sure how to express herself. She's not ignorant, she just can't retain anything that she personally doesn't care about or find important enough to remember or learn. She's not a bad person, she's just a nobody with her head in the clouds who can't seem to float back down to Earth. I don't hate myself anymore, no.. there was a time way back when that I felt like I was totally worthless. (Again, nothing to do with the.. abuse dealt by past relationships.) It was something that erupted from .. well, I don't know, actually. I can't stand the angsty, depressing company I find myself often among, and I am by no means an "angry at the world" or a "depressed beyond comprehension". No, I consider myself the "simply confused and searching for direction and meaning." I don't hate myself; just strongly dislike.

I'm not sure what it is. I was on the phone with a very good friend recently, and she and I were talking about a past boyfriend (two times we were together, even) of mine that she "knew was bad for me" but was afraid to say anything for fear of upsetting me. Well, I only wish she had stepped in before what happened happened, and what I felt afterwards was guilty. Guilt! Of all the feelings to have after being abused.. guilt? I still blame myself, regardless of her having told me that it wasn't my fault. And now when I think of him, my face gets hot and my eyes well up, because I kept on telling myself "he isn't so bad, he's really not such an awful guy" and yet something was telling me to get as far away from him as possible.. but what do I do? Stay. I fucking stay, because I'm a fucking moron, and.. well, I got what was coming to me. I made a bad decision and paid for it. I wonder if he even regrets it? I wonder, but I don't really want to know.

And what do I do, not three months later? Get together with this other guy that "loved me". I think, "It can't happen twice to one person. That isn't right." I hate being wrong, I really do. And that wasn't enough, so about a year later, another (yes, three for three) guy I was good friends with lets me know that he's been in love with me for years. Wow, really. Never heard that one. I give him not one, but two chances -- both times he failed me. Can I say "failed"? I failed him just as well for "not putting out", as he so lovingly put it. Is that my problem? "I'm going to fuck you until you bleed." His actual words, at one point, and for once in my life I knew to get away.. and so I did, only to find myself in another situation just like it. One out of four isn't that bad, right? Sure.

Re-reading this entry, I know it seems like I'm looking for sympathy.. I'm not. Honestly. The last thing I want is anyone's pity; that's the worst feeling for me, to have someone feel bad for me, so don't. I got myself here, I'm aware of it, and I can honestly say that I would have done things differently had I known then what I know now. Then again, doesn't everyone say that? Psh. I like to think of those wonderful people that take their bad times in life with a smile, and overcome the obstacles that lay before them (and behind) and are hailed because "they may have been hurt before but they were triumphant.. they persevered.. how admirable, how brave." I want to be like that. I want to be one of those people who looked back on what had happened to them in their life and go, "I won't dwell on this stuff. What's happened has happened, I won't be hurt again. I'll be strong." But the truth is, and honestly, it IS.. I'm weak.. really weak. I look back, I tear up, and I shudder, and maybe that's why I have such a hard time trusting ANYONE anymore.

It sounds so overdone, so "classic", but it's true all over that every single person I've had faith in and put my heart into has abused that trust and really, bluntly, fucked me up. Even she who was closest; when I needed her, when I honestly thought I'd just die if I didn't have her.. I lose her, and I know it wasn't her fault, but I went on for six years thinking I'd see her again, without any word from her. I had THAT much faith in her. I went to sleep and thought, "I wonder where she is? How she's doing? If she's thinking of me?" That was when I was weakest, when she wasn't there and I lost the "wind beneath my wings" to be perfectly corny. Honestly, how else can I put it? She kept me going, and she was my shoulder to lean on during the roughest times of my life. She's taken from me in a day -- a single day! She's there one day, and gone the next, and without telling me a word about it! I had no idea she would be gone by morning. I think the last thing I said to her was "see you tomorrow!" Oh, the irony..

What I find funny now is that I'm so ready to do anything. With this upcoming presentation, and so much riding on it, I'm not even sure where my life is headed. I mean, if I succeed, then what? I move in with Cheryl in California, just like that? Run into the Air Force a few years later? Spend my life with her? No. She has a boyfriend now, a serious one. Is this another Meka situation? Yeah, I remember, Meka. "You and me, Lorraine. We'll move in together!~" .. oh, wait, who's this? "Lorraine, meet Marty, my fiancee. Oh, and this our baby.." Oh, yeah. That's right! And Lorraine is totally out of the picture. I understand that you need to live your own life, and if he makes you happy, then.. fine. But I dropped every other plan because I thought you were serious; had I known you'd so easily throw me aside, I wouldn't have bothered. I'm not saying, "well fuck her because we were gonna live together, and now that she's found someone, blah blah.." I was just hurt and confused that you'd so simply and suddenly leave me out there. But, yeah, I forsee a repeat of this again with Cheryl, although.. Cheryl's not someone I see tossing me aside.. she's not like Meka is. And for once I want something I've decided on to go as planned, because I'm sick and tired of organizing myself and having one of the proverbial legs fall out, with everything crashing down again.

And what if I fail? That's it for me. Dropping everything, leaving. Forget it. If I can't accomplish this, then it's painfully obvious that I was not prepared for life's little (and larger, respectively) challenges and hurdles and obstacles and what have you. Somewhere along the line, I fucked up, and it's costing me all the way down up until now. I'll wander the countryside or something with a backpack, I don't know.. and it seems sort of silly for me to put my whole life on the line for this one event, but honestly -- I just can't deal with anymore failure. Like I said before, I've been a complete nobody my entire life, a spineless, pathetic husk of a person. (Again, not worthless just yet -- I still have a chance to prove myself.) I want it to change, and if I can't do it now, then.. when can I? Will there ever be a point that I can say, "Wow, Lorraine, look at you! You wonderful, amazing person!" For SOMETHING? For anything!? I'm sick of "things will get better" and "look on the sunny side of life" and all that jazz. I've been using that schtick all along, and where am I now? I'm not trying to sound completely lethargic or anything, like I can't do anything myself and I'm a total "giver-upper".. I'm just tired of trying and trying and trying and getting absolutely nowhere.

But what if I succeed? The Air Force next year, oh yeah. Then I can finally say I DID something! I wasn't a complete nothing! I at least sort of made something of myself! I remember Linda telling me when I was younger that I was an accidental birth. Yeah, you know, I was one of those kids that the parents never planned on having and were actually upset about being born. That's me! Mommy's little mistake! It just makes me feel so much better to know that not only did they disregard and just plain old hate me, but they didn't even want me to begin with. Touching, no? Maybe that's what killed my confidence so early on, knowing that I wasn't even supposed to exist. Oops!

I'm not a totally down and depressed person, hey hey! I love to sit outside on Linda's roof on clear nights and stare up at the sky, okay? I'm not used to seeing the stars. I love it. It's freezing cold, it's quiet with the exception of the little insects and birds and whatever making those little chirping noises, and it's peaceful. It's fantastic. I love wandering out into the little forest areas around Linda's house and sitting on the rocks, if simply because it's something I'm not used to being around. When I'm driving, I love to turn the stereo up all the way with the windows up. I prefer the music loud, I like it when it's rumbling through my seat and my hands on the wheel. I love it when my cat curls up on me while I'm sleeping, and it's even better if she's there when I wake up, too. I love it when the sun comes through my window and lights up the beaded curtain of my doorway, which casts all sorts of colours on my wall. It's wonderful. I love waking up early in the mornings when it's cold, pulling some clothes out of the dryer and putting them on, all warm and cozy. I appreciate all of those little things. I appreciate the things too often taken for granted, like fresh air (a new thing to me here), clean running water (not used to that now, either), my (mostly) good health.. I'm always thinking, I like that. I think all the time, though my thoughts are almost always useless to anyone but me. I love that I question everything, if even only to myself, no matter how insignificant the world may think it is. I wonder and ponder and speculate -- I want to know, I want to see firsthand and I want to experience.

I don't mean to sound so down with this crap, I'm simply using this as my outlet now, because I can vent and explain and discuss everything with myself (and you, random reader) instead of keeping it all to myself. And let's face it: the world isn't going to stop turning without me, so I really shouldn't complain so much, but I guess I just need some closure here, so.. that's this entry.

But enough of my loves long and lost, because this is a hiatus entry, after all!~ As far as team-venture.net, it'll be updated when I come back and not a day before. (As in.. I'm not going to rush in and do anything because of something someone emailed to me.) I'll be on a bit to check my mail and maybe jump on AIM to "<3" at my Homie J/Y (xD) or something.. otherwise, I'm going to need to focus on nothing but the presentation.. and I doubt I can even finish that, so..

See you guys later (or whatever) .. have fun. (Oh, and Johnny, if you read this entry.. fuck you. Seriously.)

(EVERYONE WATCH VENTURE BROS. AT MIDNIGHT FROM MONDAY TO WEDNESDAY STARTING ON MONDAY! Repeating Season 1, so if you guys missed them, now's your chance! Watch watch watch!)

The end.


If I'm asking for help, it's only because .. { Monday, November 01 2004  @07:28pm }

{ mood    apathetic }

I have the worst headache ever, and I'm not sure why. A combination of banging sounds from outside and a lack of sleep might be the reason.

My life is kind of up in the air right now (sort of literally, hardy har har) what with the Air Force still hanging over me and this upcoming presentation that will decide the course of the rest of my life. Yes, it's that important!

If I succeed, I'm off to the Air Force in June.
If I fail, I'm prepared to take the next flight to California and live with Cheryl on the coast.. hopefully a nice little place with docks and seagulls and palm trees and shit. A few years later, into the Air Force, hopefully.. if not, we live our lives out in destitude, together.

A big decision based on one event? Yes. I'm fed up, and this is it. Here's the home stretch; here's where everything up to this point is tossed aside, and all that matters is this: whether or not I can deal with this in such a short amount of time.

I've been a nothing up until now, let's see if that changes or not.

{ touch the sky }


HOLY.. { Sunday, October 31 2004  @02:01am }

{ mood    anxious }

.. Venture Bros. season finale.. wow.
It's still creeping me out!

It made me want to cry.
(I'm a wuss.)

{ 1 star  touch the sky }


Weak.. { Thursday, October 28 2004  @07:34pm }

{ mood    crappy }

Ever since the blood donation, I've been feeling really weak and tired, which I suppose is normal, but it's been non-stop, and lastnight, I couldn't sleep because I felt so strange, like if I moved at all, I'd just freeze up. It was really, really cold, even with the windows closed and the heat on (like I can afford it, haha), and I decided to sleep in instead of getting up.

I just made myself a nice big bowl of Manhattan salad for dinner, and I don't even want it. I'm not hungry; and I haven't eaten since the donation yesterday when they forced me to eat that bagel half. I've been badly thirsty, though.. I think I've had anywhere from 8-12 glasses of water today, which is good, isn't it? But I still feel like crap.

Hopefully this will go away, and I'll be feeling fine again. I wanted to exercise for a bit tomorrow, but I guess that's out of the question, since I can't even stand up without feeling lightheaded.

{ 2 stars  touch the sky }


Ouch! { Wednesday, October 27 2004  @03:44pm }

{ mood    weird }

Well, I just got back from donating blood to the Red Cross, and.. it sucked! I get there and I'm answering all these questions about AIDS and sex partners (ooh), and then they give me flat orange soda from McDonald's (yay) and.. then the blood stuff. It wasn't fun; they pricked me three times and it seemed to last forever. I had to flex my arm every 5 seconds, release for 3, and lay there on the table all alone for, like.. 15 minutes. And here's the thing; I felt fine when I went to get a drink of water afterwards, but then I sat and started to feel really, really hot, dizzy, short of breath, and seeing colours and star shapes and stuff. The lady goes, "Are you okay?" And RIGHT after smiling and saying, "I feel fine!" I passed out and hit the ground. Bumped my head, and it hurt. Ouch.

I'd never passed out before, it was weird. The last thing I remember seeing was black and rainbow colours and the doorway near the table. Passing out was like waking up; everything was black and hazy, and I had someone rushing ammonia (I think?) under my nose and talking to me. I slowly started to see the lights on the ceiling, and a few fuzzy faces going, "Can you hear me?" Someone was grabbing my legs. I was COMPLETELY disoriented and out of it, I had no idea what was going on, so I'm like, "Where? Where?" The guy (who was cute, mind you, not that it matters) was patting my forehead and going, "Can you hear me?" Then he picked me up and put me into this red chair thing and wheeled me through to this little bed, and he put me down. I still had no clue what was going on, so I'm just mumbling and stuff, then I feel this insanely painful jab in my head -- that'd be from slamming into the floor after passing out, right? They asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital, but I declined. "Refused Medical Treatment", of course, saving their own asses. I rested for a long time, and man, I felt like shit.

I donated a pint; they said it'll "save four lives", but I don't know. They also asked if I "had sex with a man who had sex with another man since 1977" .. I was like, "The Hell?" Weird, definitely.

But anyway! Enough of that. I was wearing my "nice shirt" today (or, rather, the only tight shirt I have since everything else I wear is XXL and I'm a M) and I recieved.. a lot of attention, which is okay I guess, but I prefer not being stared at, you know? I'm so flattering myself, yes. I'm curvy! I know this! That doesn't mean I like showing it off or anything like some girls do. And this one girl who happens to be a bit on the heavy side was harassing me because "there's no way someone could have tits and hips like that and be that skinny" .. okay, whatever. Am I that unbelievable or something? Geez.

Oh, the Air Force recruiter (the girl, her name is Summer) called me! The one I spoke to in person. She was really sweet; she gave me her cell phone number again incase I had any questions, and I will! She told me all about the perks and stuff I'll be getting, like a month vacation with pay anywhere in the world (nice), free lodge and food (nice), and the ability to basically do whatever I want with pay (also nice). She also said not to trust the Army guy who's coming over on the 20th.. she said he'll try to force me into signing my life over to the Army, and that's not gonna happen!~ I'm scared, now, rrr.

I just hope nothing goes wrong. I have this feeling..
Anyway, I need to rest, this blood crap really tired me out.

{ 2 stars  touch the sky }


Never leaveeee meeee!~ { Monday, October 25 2004  @06:16pm }

{ mood    aggravated }

The Army recruiter called me up a few minutes ago, wow. (And totally off subject, he sounded like a young "cool" type of guy.. like a fresh out of High School guy or something.) We were joking around when we got to a few points (and when I told him my height was "I think 5'6''" and weight "126 last time I checked", he sort of went "Ooh.. mmm.." Haha, was he being cute?) He also seemed a little ancy about asking me if I'd ever been in trouble with the police before, and I completely lied. (Damn.) I know it was bad, but I didn't want to be like, "Oh, yeah, totally.. this one time, my two friends and I got busted for attempted arsony!" or maybe, "Yeah, drunken conduct? That was me!" I omitted those little details, and I know I should have told him the truth, but I think he sensed I was lying, so I'm not sure. Rrrgh. Oh well. He seemed impressed with me, though, so that was a plus; though when he asked about which college I was going into during part time with the Air Force, and I mentioned an art college, he sort of laughed. What the Hell? I wonder. He's coming to see me in person on November 20th, which is only three days before my huge presentation. Argh! A little stressed, yeah.

Anyway.. I tore up my ankle bad today. I was biking with a large group of people (and I haven't ridden a bike since, what, 2nd grade?) and at one point, my chain came off (a rusty chain, mind you), and it totally ripped my ankle apart. I had blood running down my leg and into my sock, and oddly enough, I didn't notice until I stopped about an hour later and looked down. It was sick, real sick, and I guess since it was cold outside, I didn't really notice the blood; my blood is usually only lukewarm, never really hot or even warmER. I don't know, maybe it's another of my many unexplainable medical issues, haha.

I have SO much to get done; I'm still not finished with my oh-so-important presentation for next month (haven't even started, actually), not finished with applications and forms, haven't even looked much into the other branches of the military like I promised myself I would (the exception being the Navy; looked into that enough for now), and.. yet.. here I am, updating my Venture Bros. site and eating Crispy M&Ms like a moron.

I don't know.. I feel crowded and covered, like I don't even have time anymore for.. what's it called? Fun? Yeah. It's not just this Air Force crap, or even the big presentation.. it's lots of little things. Paychecks? HELLO? Why am I on the computer? And this place could use a bit of cleaning, my goodness, there's tons of empty water bottles and shit here.

{ 2 stars  touch the sky }


Little Billy. { Friday, October 22 2004  @06:59pm }

{ mood    listless }

So I finally got a chance to talk to the recruiter for the Air Force the other day. She was nice; she answered all of my questions and gave me her cell phone number incase I wanted to ask anything else. It looks good for me at the moment, so depending on how things go, I'll be part of the Air National Guard (or some such related branch, it really just depends) ..

A guy named Tom was killed today in a car accident a few minutes before I arrived. He was a friend of a friend.. my friend Billy knew him well. Oh, Billy -- Billy who lost his father and brother in a fire that destroyed his house only last year; Billy who's mother is currently undergoing heart surgery to keep her alive (and there's about a 60% chance she'll die); Billy who's been through loss after loss after loss and yet I haven't seen him show it once. He hasn't been all smiles or anything.. no.. but the week after the fire, he came back and said to me, simply and plainly, "Things will get better." He said the same thing after his mother went to the hospital, too. "It's okay, everything will get better." And now a friend of his dies, and that very same day (today), he approaches me and frowns, this time just saying, "I knew Tom.. I can't believe he's gone." Not a single tear or sniffle.. nothing more than that. I have the feeling that, on Monday, I'll walk in and he'll smile at me and say, "Well, things will get better.."

Billy, I admire your optimism in the face of all that's happened to you.
How can I complain about anything? How can anyone?
I know Billy and I will always spontaneously break into a string of Family Guy jokes like we always do.. "Don't be stup-id!" And he'll laugh the same, and smile like he always does.. and I'll pass that awkward grin back at him, of course.. but I can always tell that he's not the same. (And who would be?) I can't believe how much he's gone through. I love you, Billy.

.. so, yeah.. about the Air Force.. I still have to fill out lots of forms and stuff before I can send my papers in. I just hope I don't regret my decision too soon.

{ touch the sky }


IABKN! { Tuesday, October 19 2004  @04:18pm }

{ mood    nostalgic }

Today was fairly uneventful (as usual) .. I was really cold, so at one point, this guy Tom was standing next to me, and he noticed me shivering, so he goes, "You cold?" .. yeah, dude, I'm freezing. That'd be why I'm shivering! So he puts his arm out and goes, "Cling to me. I'm warm!" The Hell? I clung to him anyway, just because I was seriously desperate for warmth, and then he puts his arm around me. >:O I didn't immediately shrink away, but I slowly moved off, because.. I don't know him that well, and while I know he was only being friendly (or whatever), I don't like.. being touched unless I want to be? I don't know. Nevermind.

He's nice, though, and after talking with him for a bit, I felt way more relaxed, so we sat and I and leaned against his shoulder. Since I hadn't slept much lastnight (for my reasons), I was tired and so comfortable there that I just sort of zoned out and closed my eyes. I don't usually warm up to anyone that fast, but he seemed so sincere and sweet that I felt like I could just rest there with him and it was nothing. I was talking to one of the girls in the changing room, and she said that she saw him watching me while I was asleep. So, uh.. awww! That's so cute!

I sound obsessive, I know. It was just a cute little moment in time! Nothing going on between us, just.. cuddling. He's got a beard-thing going on, which is funny, but then his arms are.. really hairy, which I find gross, but it's okay. I'll see him again tomorrow.

Hrm, what else? Aahh. This season of VB is coming to a close.. ): What will I do without it? I'll have no shows to look forward to at the end of the week.. this is terrible! There had better be another season. I don't want to have to fly down to Georgia to bitch at them!

{ touch the sky }


Another one. >:( { Saturday, October 16 2004  @08:43pm }

{ mood    complacent }

Rrrrgh. So I got my eyes tested today, and apparently, I have myopia. Isn't that fun? Yeah! So now I have these thin black glasses that I have to wear while driving. I've never had glasses for anything before; they feel weird. I hate this.. but I don't have to wear them all the time, so it's okay.

New VB episode tonight! 11:30pm. Watch it.

I thought I saw Jerel again today and almost crashed my car. Yeah, I'm driving past this old deli place where we used to hang out, and I swear, I saw him walking by.. then turned just in time to see a car pulling out really quickly. I was about an inch away from smashing into it (because it was going so fast) but luckily (I guess) I made it. When I looked back, of course, Jerel wasn't there. This has to be my, what.. third time "seeing" him?

Why don't I get it? He's gone and he isn't ever coming back. I just can't seem to grasp that he's gone forever, I guess. It's really getting to me. But why do I care? .. I mean, the very last time we spoke, I was pissed and didn't say a single kind word to him. I regret it now, of course, but why does it hurt now? ..

I need some sleep. I'll stay up for the rerun of the new VB, like always, then pass out until tomorrow afternoon (since I FINALLY have a free day!)

{ 1 star  touch the sky }


Fiends, be gone!~ { Wednesday, October 13 2004  @04:46pm }

{ mood    annoyed }

WELL.. I'm not sure if he'd appreciate me saying this, but a certain somebody with the ever-so-sexy initials 'DH' emailed me. Yes, a God among men emailed me! My heart jumped. Now, he may have surprised me with seeing t-v.net, but I KNOW he doesn't read this journal, so I am free to express my fondness and deep appreciation for all that he's done! (Same goes for Mr. JP!)

Sigh! What else?
The girl who is constantly hitting on me asked me if she could "touch me" the other day. The fuck? No. No you cannot. I was getting dressed and she goes, "Do you have implants?"

.. x)~ No! I don't. So it's impossible for a girl with a moderately thin body frame to have.. you know, yeah, big.. uh.. yeah? Now you think I have implants? Give me a break. Then she starts off on how "curvy" I am, so I tell her to leave me alone and she huffs out and slams the door.

I should've bitched her out, but I just sighed.
I want this girl to leave me the Hell alone. Do I have to do something drastic to get the message through to her? I'm not interested.

And same to the guy who keeps leaving photos of himself in the coat pockets of my jacket with his name on the back. I've seen him do it and he acts so slick. He's always trying to talk with me, but I just can't stand him. He sits wherever I do, tries to get himself into all of my conversations.. he's a pain in the ass.

The girl is far worse, though!~ Argh!
I miss Jerel.

{ 1 star  touch the sky }


BLAH BLAH BLAH. { Monday, October 11 2004  @04:42pm }

{ mood    bitchy }

Okay, so.. I'm having a lot of problems with people, suddenly, like fights with everyone. Either I'm getting on everyone's nerves or they're getting on mine, and it's like a tight pressure building up or something.

For one.. YES, I LIED. I don't know why I did, but I did, and I already said I was sorry, so I don't know what you want me to say now. I am so fucking sorry for lying, I really am. I shouldn't have said what I did, but apologizing won't solve anything, blah blah, I know.. I've forgiven you before, though.. I know it might sound a little dramatic for me to say, but you really did hurt me that day, and I don't think I've ever gotten over it. Yet after almost six years now, I've forgiven you.. but you can't understand this once?

For another.. I don't want your sympathy, okay? I don't want your help, I don't want you telling me how great it's going for you now or how much fun you're having. I KNOW I FUCKED UP. I know I waited too long, but telling me now won't help me, and you're only making me angry and upset. I'm also sorry I can't say it to your face.

And finally, to another.. who I know won't read this journal, but I felt like saying it anyway.. I'm not interested.. in girls. Okay? And if I was, I wouldn't be interested in girls like you. I don't care if you're gay, I don't care if you're bisexual, and I don't care that you think I'm "hot" .. I just don't want anything to do with you anymore if all you're going to do is hit on me.

That's about all for now! I've been really bitter and grumpy lately, I don't know why.. :/ Sorry.

{ touch the sky }


Ta-da!~ { Saturday, October 09 2004  @10:39pm }

{ mood    blah }

Well, this layout is up, et cetera, et cetera. I HOPE YOU ALL WATCHED VENTURE BROS. THIS WEEKEND. It was hilarious.

If you missed it, for shame! All is forgiven if you watch the next new one. :D
So, anyway, I had a fight with my friend over something silly.. (of course).. and now I think she's sincerely pissed. (She has every right to be, but still..) I just didn't want to hurt her feelings.

Driving Linda around this weekend was fun. We had many sing-a-longs, from David Bowie to Raffi to Hendrix to .. whatever else I had on my CD. It was great. I put the bass up on the car stereo for all the techno and rap songs, and she starts flipping out because it's so loud and she can "feel it in my head". This guy was checking me out at this one place, and it made me uncomfortable.. in a strange way.. <<; Because he looked like my 8th grade History teacher. xD GROSS.

Time for a shower.

{ touch the sky }


{ Friday, October 08 2004  @09:15pm }

{ mood    exhausted }



I don't have time to mess with it, though. It's late, I am tired, I have lots to do tomorrow! (Wow!) Lots of driving. Driving Linda around. Going shopping, lots of that, too. Will be out from 6am to probably about 7pm (probably earlier). I hate not having Saturdays free. I AM SICK OF DOING THINGS.

Oh, in other news.. xD http://team-venture.net is open (though not finished)! Go there, won't you? It's a VB site I started a few months ago and JUST finished. Yeah, I'm slow and lazy. :p

I want to mess with my paid account so bad.. but I need sleep. When I drive sleepy, it's bad.
There's always tomorrow!~

{ 1 star  touch the sky }


{ Monday, October 04 2004  @12:03am }

{ mood    amused }


{ 7 stars  touch the sky }


Where have I been!? { Wednesday, September 29 2004  @06:43pm }

{ mood    calm }

I know, I know! I never update! Well, here's one.

Nothing much has been happening to me lately. Uhm, let's see.. nope, nothing. It's been a fairly boring month.

Only thing I have to look forward to lately? New episodes of Venture Bros. every Saturday at 11 pm. (*PLUG PLUG*) And.. seeing Mikel. Yeah, that, too. She really cheers me up. Her and Kim. Which reminds me! I was totally pimping my Venture Bros. shirt today (this being the second time I've worn it) and Kim looks at it, pauses, and then goes.. "THAT SHOW IS HILARIOUS." Then she remains stone faced. I just blink, because she practically screamed right in my face. Then I smile, and I reply, "Yes, yes it is." Then she hugs me. It was beautiful! Then we.. we touched our pointer and middle fingers together and exclaimed, "GO, TEAM VENTURE!" And these people near the counter paused, but didn't stare. They just sort of eyed us as they walked out. (Those weirdos!)

I lead a very simple life, you see. I like it, it's relaxing. I have my friends, I have my PS2/Gamecube/PC games, I have my television, and I have my Red Baron Mini Deep-Dish pizzas waiting in my freezer everyday when I get home, all tired and.. tired.

The end! (Just so everyone is sure I'm not dead.)

{ touch the sky }


</3 { Tuesday, September 07 2004  @08:57pm }

{ mood    irritated }

Well, I don't have Conan anymore on Furc, so if anyone involved in the roleplay reads this.. consider me out. :( Thanks.. >>; ..

.. so, uh.. hmm, what else?

Hurray! That makes me so happy!
Though I've never left the East Coast before, and I'm scared.

Anything for Cheryl, though. :D~

{ touch the sky }