I felt like writing because I just barely avoided complete humiliation by restraining myself in front of a group of people that I'd rather not be brought to tears around. It's that annoying feeling where you're kind of choking them back but they haven't shown just yet, so your jaw starts to hurt and your eyes feel like they're being pushed back into your head. It's bad, but I made it. I'm very good at keeping myself from crying. It's my talent!
I'm tired of hearing the same person say, "It's okay, I can talk to you." The only person that I really can talk to is exactly one continent away. (Kinda.) Here on the east coast, and she on the west coast. I feel like I want to streeeetch my arms across America and grab her. I really, REALLY don't want to sound like one of those depress-o teenagers that you read about on the interweb, but fact is: I am a teenager, and I'm not feeling too good. Not sure I would call it depressed, but there's something going on. Mentally I'm teetering, but physically I'm next to completely dead. And I don't want to hear, "It's because you sit on your ass all the time!" Not true. I don't, and that hasn't anything to do with feeling like shit. It's always been like this. It's a complete lack of energy and feeling; a lacklustre mope/slide, that's how I get around. I'm winded when I'm not moving. I'm sitting still and gasping for air, and sometimes, I fall backward and wake up half an hour later with a headache. My muscles become sore for no reason and sometimes (yes sometimes) they give out completely and I'm sort of taken back when I fall against something. I have the strangest issues with my body, like what appear to be some kind of inflated vessel running along my arm that becomes sore and other times disappears completely. I also feel cold constantly; I sat on the heater (pumping at 75) the other day and felt like I was about to succumb to frostbite.
MY BODY CAN'T BE FAILING ME, I'M ONLY 19 YEARS OLD!
Maybe I used it up already? I must've run it out before everyone else my age did or something. Whatever's going on, I think it's going to kill me soon enough. Seriously, it's gotten progessively worse the last three years or so and I have this creepy feeling that there's a serious problem that will kill me pretty soon. I'm scared. :(
In other news, I actually considered 'changing' to fit with the changing of my old friends. What was I thinking? Fuck you guys.